Leave
by MezMaroon8
Summary: People are always leaving. Sensitive content. FR Futurefic.
1. Chapter 1

**Leave**

**_AN: This story is a little different from all the fluffy dramatic happy endings I've been indulging you guys with. Good old angsty future fic for you all, enjoy!_**

She's sat on the white bed, her sheets cool and the wind whistling from the open window of her lonely empty apartment. Her eyes are red, her face splotched from her tear stained sob fest, her hair messed up, her tiny weak body clad in only a light white nightgown. She doesn't know how it came to this. Disappointment after disappointed until she cracked and gave up, all her energy wasted and her time gone too fast to keep her waiting for her big break. Here she was in her cosy flat with misery for company.

She'd drove everything and anything away, until she had nothing left. Her tears fall freely from her sore red cheeks, too tired to wipe them dry with her hands, she sniffs away into the darkness. Her sobs and the windy night making an eerie sound in the hollow room, no one on the other side of the bed to hold her or console her of all her failures. She was supposed to be the strong one; she was supposed to be the survivor, the fighter in the battle of life.

She'd given up, claimed defeat and raised her arms in surrender. Her tired eyes are red from crying her heart out as the melancholic music plays faintly in the background, feebly calming her down tonight. She was all alone now, isolated and reclusive in this secluded area of Brooklyn, NYC. They all probably thought she was living the dream, making her mark in Off Broadway shows. Little did they know how her life panned out. She was no longer the energetic starlet but a single nobody. She laughs bitterly at the reflection she sees in the mirror. She never was a beauty.

Her hair is dry and damaged her arms thin and her body fading into the background. Fading into the background. Who would have thought she would not have ended up in the spotlight. She looks down at the flat panel of her stomach, wailing away with more hard harsh sobs as the memory flashes in her mind once again. She'd lost it, she's lost her legacy. Three failed community theatre shows and one off Broadway show was all she had to show for it all, her wardrobe filled with silly dresses for award shows she'd never attend and those stupid gold star necklaces to warrant her the luck she was never granted. She cries to sleep.

_They had to rush her into hospital as soon as he found no pulse as she rested after her long night in theatre. He'd just come home from the radio station, eager to tell her the good news when he found her, hair sprayed against the cushions of her bed and her skin pale, looking ghastly. Panicked, he'd yelled for someone to call the ambulance as he performed CPR, desperate to wake her, determined not to lose her. _

_She was on the hospital bed, all wired up with him by her side, holding her hand so tightly. Her eyes flicked open and she'd started to choke again, her breathing rapid and irregular as the nurse came in. She was screaming with pain when they found blood between her legs. _

'_What's happening to her?'_

_His eyes were tired and his face masked with a mixture of panic and alarm as she continued to bleed out. Her eyes became blurry as a figure of white coated nurses and doctors rushed to her aid. Suddenly a frantic nurse shouted out. _

'_She's having a miscarriage, get Dr Stanton, stat.'_

_He gasped. They only had sex for the first time last night; she couldn't be pregnant, unless...it was Jesse's. Her eyes flicked shut as she passed out unconscious, as the nurse asked permission to deliver the baby, a dead set of vessels and a barely ripe foetus from her stomach. His eyes tearing up she begged them to stop. He'd killed her baby to save her. _

_Her cries echoed into the hollow walls of the white sterile room as he held her hand, soothing her as he stroke her hair. _

'_It's okay, baby. You're gonna be okay.'_

_He held her against him as she wet his shirt that night. They were barely in junior college when she lost her child. There was a tear in her walls and he'd told them to do whatever it took to save her, bring her back to life. She would barely look at him anymore. Their conversations became shorter and shorter as he tried in earnest to comfort her, be there. Soon enough she started blaming him wouldn't even let him hold her close to him at night or kiss her good night. _

_It was just the two of them and awkward silences until one day he snapped. _

'_I should be the mad one! You slept with him, didn't you?'_

_Streak of black tears stained her cheeks as she glared at him. 'Is that why you kill my baby? Because of jealousy, revenge, you couldn't bear the thought of me having his baby?'_

'_No, don't pin this on me. I save your fucking life, Rach.'_

_The plate he threw cracked against the walls falling to pieces behind her as she flinched. _

_She looked so fragile, her curves barely visible anymore and she entire appearance lacking any glow since the incident._

_Her voice was barely audible as they glared at eachother from across the room. _

'_I can't kids anymore. They had to tie my tubes; I'm never going to be a mother.'_

_His heart ached from her as he rushed to hold her against him as she sobbed against his chest, gripping his shoulders tight. _

'_You were only two month along, there were no symptoms. The nurse said there's no way you could have known. Rach, you gotta stop this. You gotta stop letting this eat away at you. You have to stop blaming me and you have to stop blaming yourself. Please, Rach...just come back to me. I miss you so much.' _

_His voice cracked coarse with emotion as he cupped her face, begging her to look at him. _

_She looked so cold and unfeeling as she looked up at him. 'You should leave.'_

_He looked at her with alarm, his eyes pleading her to reason with him. 'Rachel...'_

'_LEAVE! NOW!'_

_He grasped her shoulders. 'You need me. Let me take care of you. I don't want you to do anything stupid; you're so fragile right now. Rach, please.'_

_She was shaking her head adamant she wanted to handle this alone. 'Please, leave.'_

_The last time he saw her she was in a white night gown, shrinking into the darkness as she hugged herself from the harsh feel of the wind, staring at him like a lost child. _

_He'd slung his backpack over his shoulder; all packed up and ready to leave. He looked at her affectionately, his eyes warm and inviting before kissing her temple and heading to the door._

'_Goodbye, Rachel.'_


	2. Chapter 2

**Something Missing **

_**AN: The song Rachel sings is Damien Rice's Blowers' Daughter. Don't fool yourself; this is not a reunion for FR. It's gonna get a lot more tear jerking.**_

_So it is_

_Life goes easy on me_

_Most of the time_

_So it is_

_Shorter story_

_No love, no glory_

_No hero in her sky_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_So it is_

_Just like you said it should be_

_We both forget the breeze_

_Most of the time_

_So it is_

_Colder water_

_The blower's daughter_

_The pupil in denial_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_Can't take my eyes off you_

_Did I say that I loathe you?_

_Did I say that I want you too?_

_I can't take my mind off you_

_I can't take my mind off you_

_I can't take my mind off you_

_Maybe I'll find somebody new_

She sings her heart out, fixed up with her fine makeup and her green cocktail dress, a crowd to please in a fully sold out show. She can't help the pains she feels as the lyrics rolls off her glossy lips, her tears sliding down as she puts her all into the music she creates, silencing a crowd with the beauty of her talent and the striking voice nobody can forget. He's there drinking his scotch, years after being part, it's only natural they find eachother again. She's all made up and putting on a great show, no tear stained cheeks or cracked smile. He wonders if she has really healed.

The crowd erupts into loud applauses and cheering as she announces her next opening act. He'd been sharing a drink with a colleague in town when they'd stumbled open her performance, she looked so different, so alive, he thought it was a dream or some surreal fantasy. Her figure filled out more from the last time he saw her, all haggard and disheleved from her relentless grief. The crowd bubbles with excitement and chatter as he looks on, captivated by her glow once again. She was back. His girl was back, ready to live again.

He smiled into the distance, his eyes fixated by her energy as she rambles on about how she'd always wanted to be on Broadway but never made it, so she laughs nervously and cracks a joke about how being a cabaret singer in the town most upscale bar wasn't so bad a second choice. He remembers that time when he's spotted her in her nightwear in school junior year, eating from a bowl and walking like a sleepwalking zombie. He'd told her to stop feeling for herself and he chuckles at her response, so dramatic, so classic Rachel. I need applause to live, I'm like Tinkerbell Finn. It looked like Tinkerbell got her applause and she was living again.

Her dress flutter against her tanned toned legs, they still go on for miles for someone that small, and she disappears into the background again, leaving him, amazed and awestruck once again.

He must have been daydream cos Carl, his friend is nudging.

'Hey, buddy.' The guy clicks his fingers in front of his wide eyes. 'See something you like?'

He swallows, facing his friend. 'Actually, that's Rachel. '

'The Rachel? You're ex girlfriend Rachel, the girl you keeping going on about ad never shut up about?'

'Uh, yeah. That's her.'

His eyes search the crowd as the delicate jazz ensemble plays in the bar, frantically searching for any trace of her.

Carl looks at him with an amused expression on his face. 'if I ever saw a guy whipped.'

He turns around and nudges him. 'Hey, she's my ex...it's just I've not seen her in a while. Where did she go?' His eyes search the crowd again, to no avail of her presence in sight.

'Go find her; we'll talk about the show tomorrow. Go get some tail.' Carl winks at him.

He sighs, annoyed that the guy just referred to Rachel as 'tail'. She was never tail to him.

'I'm gonna go to the mens'. Be right back.'

Carl sips on his martini. 'Sure you will.'

He looks at himself in the mirror of the bathroom, his hair all slick and his own lean toned body fitted perfectly in a tailored suit. He'd done well for himself, without her. Something was missing though, a part of him felt broken without her in his life, living all alone in that dingy apartment. He wonders what became of her after he left. He swings the door back to hear a sobbing noise coming from one of the dressing rooms. He walks into the direction of the sound, discretely. Knocking on the door of the dressing room, he waits.

'Are you okay?'

He hears sniffing and a clatter of tings from the other side of the mahogany door.

'I'm fine.' She answers strong with conviction. Then he hears to most beautiful sound he's heard from her in a long time, she laughs.

'I'm quite a drama queen, just being silly.'

He pushes the door open a little until it creaks.

He enters to find her, her room all messed up with flowers decorated everywhere around her dresser.

'I ripped my dress, you see. It's my favourite dress and you know what us girls are like when it comes to sentimental possessions. I brought this dress for my...er, friend's anniversary.'

He just gazes as she flutters around hunched against the leather cushioned chair.

She was never any good at lying. Brutally honest, she'd called herself.

She's cupping her face in embarrassment when he touched her naked shoulder, stroking it gently as he circles her waist.

'It's ok, Rachel.' He whispers into the air as he holds her.

'It's okay to cry.'

She looks so beautiful tonight, her effervescent glow and her lovely smile as she wipes away the mascara stained tears from her delicate cheeks. She's blushing and she's never looked prettier.

'Finn?'

He sighs, holding her closer as she look at him through the giant mirror of her dresser.

'Don't tell me to leave, please.' He sighs all distraught as she latches onto him, turning around to face him as they embrace.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry I drove you away.'

There's a tear on the hem of her dress and his big hands circle her waist as he carries her, her tears soaking his lapel as they cry together.

'I missed you so much.'

She lets him hold her that night, falling asleep in his arms for the first time in 3 years.

He carries her home that night, she's moved out of Brooklyn and into the theatre capital of New York, New York. She chatters away in the cab as she leans against his shoulder, his arms around her as her tired eyes flicker closed. The lights are bright and he finds himself wondering why her name isn't in lights yet, he tells himself it will be soon. If anybody was going to make a triumph out of a tragedy it would be Rachel.

She stumbles as they walk the sidewalk towards her newly refurbished apartment.

'This is me,' she digs into her tiny glittery purse as her keys dangle from her tiny little hands.

She walks up the stairs but fails as she trips against him, his arms steadying her.

'Here', his hands travel down her thighs as he helps her up, carrying her up as he own dainty arms circle his neck.

She whispers into his neck, her warmth breathe tickling his skin. 'I'm a little tipsy.'

He laughs, as he carries her up the stairs, her keys in his hands as he open her door, inviting himself in as he lays her down on the couch.

She's so tired; she mumbles something in her slumber state, feeling sleepy. Her hands grasp his own, not letting him go.

'Stay. Don't leave'.

She looks so serene and at peace, he can't resist her as he sits beside her, stroking her hair as her eyes flutter closed against the sofa.

He leans in to kiss her temple then softly caress her lips with his own as her hands grip his own, he strokes her knuckles with his thumb, watching her sleep, content.

'Welcome back, Rachel.'


	3. Chapter 3

**Nightmare Ch 3**

_**AN: This story goes back and forth; the flashbacks go into the past events before we return to what's happening now. **_

_They're on the bed, the silk duvet brushing against their naked skin as he trails kisses down her neck, her jaw, her pulse then locks his lips with her own, their tongues battling and sucking the other as he caressing her face, glowing with euphoria as she pulls his closer to her, chests colliding and creating friction, her nipples hardening against his pecs as his fingers dip into the wetness of her spot, circling her clit as she moans against his lips. His kisses grow rougher as his teeth bite into her bottom lip, her hands fist his russet hair into balls as he groans, his erection bumping against her belly button as she continues to kiss him back. His fingers dip into spot, moist finger from seeping up her liquids as he continues to finger her, relishing in her breathy moans as he grunts, growing hard from the sweet music she makes as he touches her. _

'_I need you, in me. Now.'_

_He leans up, balancing his weight on his elbows as he hovers over her, her face glowing with ecstasy as she smiles up at him, her eyes bright with wanting and her face blushing, her lips red from his bruising kisses. She's so unbelievably sexy. He cups her naked breasts, weighing them on her hand as she moans; he kneads her round breasts in his giant palm, his thumb flicking her hardening nipples as begs him to take her._

_His own chiselled abs collided against the flat panel of her stomach, his hardened pecs brushing against her own as he kisses her nose._

'_Okay, baby.'_

_Her nails scratch his back, tightened around his shoulders as he dives into her over and over, hearing her moan as he grunts, slipping into her moist centre, as he rides her fast and hard._

'_More.'_

_He kisses her sweaty temples and slips his cock inside her again, then out, riding her harder and harder as she yelps, her face flushed from the exertion, as he cups her breasts, fucking her senseless until she comes, her scratches scarring his back as he stays inside her, she holds him against her. _

_He breathes out, her legs are still wrapped around his waist, his hands massage her smooth silky skin as their eyes stare into eachother, panting and smiling with satisfaction. _

_His lips finds hers, giving her a soft tender kiss as he slips out from her, falling against the mattress and pulling her warmth naked body against him own, her hands find his hard erect member stroking him as his fingers stroke her naked shoulder. _

'_So good.'_

_Her face scrunching up in pain. 'Rach, you okay?'_

'_Just a little sore.'_

_He cups her naked ass, squeezing it a little as she gasps in delight. 'Hey!'_

_He smirks down at her. 'You have a nice ass, baby.'_

_He falls asleep with her head resting on his heaving chest, her hands grazing his toned pecs._

_This was their first time together, uniting as one. He'd long to hear her scream his name and make her moan wildly as he screwed her over and over again, kissing every inch of her._

_Tonight was supposed to be even better. He'd just come from the station where he worked at the student union, the producer has told him he'd been offered a spot with a broadcasting company to do a show with the next term. He was escastic._

_Finn skipped into the halls of their apartment complex. He'd flung the doors open with excitement he could not contain, throwing his suitcase on the floor; he entered their room to find her taking her afternoon nap. He eagerly approached her, finding her petite form all laid out on the bed, her silky brown hair splattered against the cushion, her eyes shut. His face morphed with shock when he held her hand to find no pulse. No no no no no. He frantically shook her, maybe she was in a deep sleep. Maybe she was really dead. _

'_Rachel! Wake up, wake up, wake up!'_

_Her face was pale as a ghost, her eyes shut and not flickering open upon his shouting. _

_He flung the door open and screamed._

'_Somebody call 911. My girlfriend-she's-not-she's not breathing'. _

_He entered the room and pounced on her, shaking her, no response, His hands curled up to perform CPR, trying to force her lungs to give out, getting her breathing. No response. She was lying there like she was dead and he couldn't get the image out of his head. _

'_RACHEL!'_

_He screamed into the room until his throat hurt, trying to awake her until a bunch of paramedics came to take her away. _

'_Is she going to be okay? Please tell me she isn't dead. What happened to her?'_

_He was breathing frantically, asking questions like a madman, wanting answers. She was perfectly healthy, she was fine yesterday. He couldn't breath. He was breaking out on a cold sweat, his lungs constraining his ribcage as he had a panic attack._

'Rachel! Rachel! Baby, don't leave me. Don't leave me. Stay with me, please!'

His eyes blurred into vision, as he felt hands shaking him awake and pulling his to her embrace. 'I'm okay, I'm okay. It's just a nightmare.'

His hair was sweaty as he rolled around the bed.

'Shu-shu, it's okay. I'm right here.'

He found tears wetting his cheeks. Grown men don't cry, he told himself.

He found her looking at him with warmth in her eyes. When was the last time she looked at him like that? Her gaze adoring and loving as her stroke his hair, pulling him against her.

He glances around the room to find the alarm clock. It was 3 am in the morning. It always happens around this time, the nightmare, her limber form, all pale and lifeless flashing through his haunted mind, he breaks out in a sweat every morning, trying to wipe away the image of her in the gurney, all pale and deathly.

He continues to cry, weeping against her lap as she strokes his hair, soothing him.

'Just a nightmare, Finn. I'm not dead, I'm right here, ok?

He nods against her laps, holding onto her tight as they embrace eachother.

'I'm sorry,' he sobs. 'I'm sorry I left you.'

She looks at him with glassy eyes. 'I'm sorry I made you.'


	4. Chapter 4

_**AN: This story will mostly focus on Rachel's journey in recovery and how she rebuilds herself.**_

**Shine Chapter 4**

Nobody tells you life turns out this way, all the roads you travel lead to this dead end and you have nowhere to go, that you're left all alone to survive as a lone ranger. Nobody tells you everyone leaves you alone until you figure out the unsolvable puzzle of life. Nobody tells you that everything vanishes in thin air as quickly.

She strolls the streets, directionless, chin high, back straight and strutting away as she wonders what to make of her life now. She was done with her education, all her friends and family seemingly a million miles away and she had drove him away until it was just her and her loneliness for company. She whistles into the empty street, just night lights and the light traffic of the road. She smiles. There's a star on the door of this bar, a gold star, for once, she feels a semblance of hope.

_You're a real star Rachel and you deserve to shine._

The words echo through her memory as her lips morph into a bigger smile, as she stares at the glowing lights of the door. There's jazz music in the background, lulling the deep turmoil of her mind as she walks in. The bartender is clearing up and she enters the room like a deer in headlights. She's never been a bar before. Not on her own anyway, she was usually accompanied by a handsome friendly giant on her arm.

The guy smiles at her as she sits on the stool silently. It's almost midnight and she doesn't know why but she doesn't feel like going home tonight. She eyes the stage, empty with only the piano man clunking away and a vinyl record player on the side playing the jazz record. She feels at home now, with the music for company and she couldn't ask for a finer companion.

She orders lemonade, she shouldn't be drinking tonight. The poison has seeped through her veins for the last month and she won't let it kill her, fade away her soul. It's over now. She was going to start working; she was going to start living.

Her lips sip away at the clear crystal glass of the fancy bar, and her dainty fingers stir the liquid with her straw as she listens intently. It's so quiet in here and she finds a sense of peace somehow. She has no idea why but suddenly it seems like everything will fall in place.

Two men in black suits enter and sit in the corner table with their Cuban cigars, the smoke diffusing through the space and making her cough faintly as it reaches her nostrils.

She gets up and eyes the stage again. How long has it been since she had performed? She remembers the last time she had a long day at the theatre, almost a year now since she lit up the stage with her luminous grace.

Her dress sways as she walks up, the piano man still clunking away at the keys and the vinyl still rolling in the back.

She doesn't know why she does it, maybe out of sheer impulse or maybe out of instinct but she steps onto the stage and sings. She finds even though she hasn't uttered a word to anyone in so long, the sound of her voice remains intact, her voice her instrument. The men with the cigars eye her up as she belt out her favourite Barbra Streisand number, I am The Greatest Star. She shuts her eyes closed and the gentleman plays the piano mirroring her vocals. She feels the music coursing through every ebb of her body, vibrating like tempos in the violin of her soul as she breathes. She feels in her element and like everything falls into pieces around her, she smiles through her tears as she sings to a barely present audience of waiters, barmen and the men in black.

She finishes on the high note. Her smiles remain in place, proud and content. Barbra would be honoured, she thinks and she realises her ego is back. The men claps as she bows comically, stepping out of the stage and grabbing her coat on her stool.

One of the suited men approach her.

'Ma'am?'

She turns out, slightly startled. 'How'd you like to become our Friday night singer?'

She looks around at the elegant yet quaint place, she's done a lot better than this place. She has a degree in theatre and the arts, she's worked in a off Broadway show of Aladdin and had an internship with one of the greatest New York theatre companies. But she hasn't been receiving any better offers and she doesn't she why she shouldn't be opportunist now.

She smiles politely and opens her mouth to speak. Speechless. She had merely gone for an evening stroll to find her life turned around, somebody had given her a chance to feel alive.

'Yes. When do I start?'

'How about this Friday?'

She hugs the man in frill of excitement and cries tears of joy. 'Thank you!'

She sleeps for the first time that night without a nightmare, instead the swell of the jazz chords and her music imprinted on her mind, lulling her to a peaceful rest.

Nobody tells you when you start breathing again after holding your breath for so long. Nobody tells you things fall apart so you can piece it all back together in due time. Nobody tells you that you heal with music in your spirit, bouncing back with a bigger sprint, but you do.

Times heal all wounds and Rachel was on her way back to living again. She was going to shine.


	5. Chapter 5

**Emptiness Ch 5**

Losing a child is like losing a piece of your body, the emptiness never goes away; it eats away at you until you lose yourself in grief. You close your eyes and see a bundle of red vessels from a foetus that lay inside you as everything becomes blurry and red, your eyes tearing up and your body racking with uncontrollable sobs. Losing a life is like losing yourself and it's near impossible to get back on track. Every path seems like a maze as you wonder the streets in a haze of depression, the pain relentless and ever-growing.

She loses it one day. She's tired of all the crying and the tear stained cheeks, her red nose all puffed off from her sniffing all alone in the empty apartment with nothing but regrets and memories. She gets up off the floor of the kitchen and opens the pantry. It was Finn who drank, she never like the taste of alcohol and was warded off it by her Jewish fathers but her throat dried up. She picks up the bottle of Jacks and pops it open with the screw, gulping it down her throat as it burns into her numbing the pain even if only for a while. She doesn't expect to do it again. Soon enough it becomes a habit and before she knows it she's a full on clinically depression alcohol. She's got the badge of honour, one whole year of sobriety, her thumb rubbing the red pin as she enters the room full of familiar faces of strangers to tell her story.

All eyes are on her and for once in her life Rachel Berry wishes she wasn't the centre of attention. She sinks into a seat in the middle as the director of the AA meeting speaks. Her eyes are glued to the front avoiding all and every gaze directed at her. Maybe it's because she's dressed all fancy in a silky maroon gown, coming straight from another performance, her figure incongruous to all the casually dressed drunks sitting half asleep as the guy goes on about how it gets better. She thinks, does it? When? She needs to know when so badly.

She never spoke of Ava, that's what she named her until now. She voices her pain as tears streak down her tired face, then about Finn and how she pulled away from him until he couldn't hold onto her any longer. She talks about how it used to numb the pain, that liquid poison her fiancé hid in the cabinet for his guy's night. Soon enough one bottle become two then six until she passed out unconscious every night, her thoughts not her own and her mind leaving her body as she stumbled around with music on full blast, killing the pain. She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror every morning and sees the natural radiance she used to exude fade away with rings circling her eyes and her breath smelling of stale beer. Her silky shoulder length hair dry and damaged. She looked like something out of Lord of the Rings. That was when she decided to run downstairs and trash that cabinet, getting a hammer and breaking every bottle as it scattered across the floor like diamonds on the tile.

She holds her chin up high these days and fixes a smile of conviction on her well made face, her lips scarlet red, her cheeks a blushing pink crimson and her hair like dark chocolate ribbons around her little face. She turns the key to the door only to find it open, creaking in and finding a silhouette of a tall lanky figure by the lamp of her sofa in the living room. She switches the light on and finds him still here, his eyes shut from staying up for her and she steps closer to him, her tiny hand stroking his sleepy face as she snores lightly into the night. She traces his freckles with her fingers and smiles at him, he's probably the most beautifully handsome man she's ever known and he stayed around to see her.

Sometimes she wonders if she would have coped better if she hadn't pushed him away. If he hadn't left but then she realises that people always leave, the foetus in your belly you didn't know you were growing, the resentment for the man that saved your life and ruined yours all the same, the friends you grew up with and the stardom you would crave before. There are happy tears, tears of joy streaking down her sleepy face as she cups his jaw and kisses his cheek slowly and softly. She never thought she would feel whole again. She figured she's live half a life, the failed actress, mother, lover, friend, the failure of life. She thought she would be empty forever; she would be broken until she couldn't fic herself anymore. She was wrong.

He came back, literally walked back into her life and held her for the longest time until she healed, all the wounds she'd been licking and spraying salt on with her self- pity stitched up and bandaged by his love and affection. She misses Ava, she misses him, she misses the days when she could look at a child in the park and not tear up reminded she would never have one, be the head of the family she'd been dreaming of. He said he wanted kids once. They were in New York and he was holding her against his naked waist, their bodies coated with a thin layer of sweat from making love all night. He painted her a picture for them, an idyllic image she couldn't erase from her memory to this day. The white picket fence, the boy and the girl running around driving them mad while he kissed on their front lawn and stood from the front row of all her shows as her biggest fan. It was supposed to be perfect. Their life. It wasn't supposed to be like this, a huge mess you couldn't clean up cluttered with emptiness.

She walks into the bedroom and strips herself off her dress, looking at her petite tanned frame in the mirror and gasps at the marks around her stomach. She presses her eyes shut and tries to forget the night, how they cut her open and took the bundles of red tubes out of her and stitched her up, leaving a scar of the horror. She traces the thin brown line with her finger now and fights away tears, her throat bobbing with emotion as she composes herself. Suddenly there's a figure behind her, looming into her delicate frame as his dangly arms circle her waist, nuzzling her neck with his face. She's clad in her high heels and red underwear and she breathes in, the reaction she has on his even now, evident against her back as she looks at them in the mirror. Her half baked fiancé in nothing but a pair of his grey boxers, his hair all mussed and his eyes glinting with lust as he turns her around to kiss her senseless.

She moans into his mouth as his tongue begs for entry she grants, his teeth biting into her lips into a bruising kiss as he cups her face letting her know and feel just how much he missed her. He trails light feathery kisses down her neck as she arches her neck to kiss his access, his touch sending shivers down her spine as his fingers play with the clasps of her bra. The straps of her red satin bra fall past her shoulders and his brown eyes lock with her own with dark longing of lust as he cups her round breasts in her hand, the spot between her thigh wets as he kneads her skin, his lips marking her neck as her arms grasp on to his bold back for balance before they fall on the bed and he fills her up all night with his throbbing cock entering her over and over again as she scratches his back, their moans and grunts creating a symphony as their bodies become one.

She feels the emptiness go away as he surrounds her with his love, she holds onto to him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Forever**

_**AN: This chapter takes a more hopeful turn but don't be fooled there will be more heartbreak and angst tiding the story on. Enjoy!**_

The morning dust swirls around by the ajar window; her arms lay on his naked chest as they breathe content in their cosy embrace. She feels his fingers tickle the smooth skin of her back and tucks her chin on top one of his pecs. This feels like coming after an eternity of being lost somewhere else.

He's looking down on her as her sleepy eyes flicker open and his smile exudes all the love he feels for her. She's so beautiful and he never should have let her go. They've been happy together for a while now and it feels like they've finally recovered from losing Ava. The sun leaks in from the window and her hair glows against the bright light as he strokes her silky locks with his long fingers. He missed her so much, it was painful being apart, wondering how she was doing, where she was, if she was alone or if someone was comforting her to sooth the pain of their loss. They were going to be a family, he was going to watch her on the sidelines and cheer her on as all her dreams came true. They were going to be happy forever.

The days went on like this for a while now, months becomes a year, each day spent ravishing eachother, tongues battling the other, his tongue licking her clit, pinching her nipples as they harden under his skin, her neck arching back as he feathered her with endless kisses in every inch of her body. Her moans were like music and he was so proud to make her feel so good after all that time. Her nail claw into the skin on his heavy back as he digs into her, drilling into her with his hard throbbing cock, unprotected but that doesn't matter since she's infertile and it feels better when they're completely naked.

They make love every day and every night, sometimes more, they just can't get enough of eachother. As soon as she's home he grasps onto her petite waist and attacks her lips as her hair fist his hair, moaning in his passionate kiss as he feels her up, cupping her breasts while she cups his ass. They're young and free and in love more than ever. It couldn't be better.

Then a miracle happens.

They've been engaged for 6 months and they're both secretly been yearning to start a family. He couldn't be happier when he comes home one night in the brisk winter and she warms his heart with the best news in a long time.

She's standing in her silk gown, not changing since she got home from her evening performance at the club. He's exhausted from a hard night at the station. He takes his shoes off and whisks off his jacket, making his way towards her petite frame holding a glass of wine. She doesn't drink and as far he knows, never has so he's baffling by this scene in front of him. Her face is radiant and her eyes glistening with tears as she hands him the glass of white wine.

'Rachel? What's going on?'

There's an easy silence between them as her precious face cracks into a full on smile, he's never seen this happy since forever.

'We're pregnant.' She practically squeals that piece of information as he takes it in.

How? This doesn't make any sense. Sure they don't have protected sex anymore since it feels a thousand times better without a piece of rubber between them but she's not meant to have kids. He knots his eyebrows together in confusion as she wraps her arms around him in a bone crushing hug.

'We're gonna be a family, just like we always wanted. The white picket fence, the kids running around driving us wild while you kiss me every morning in our front lawn. It's gonna happen, Finn, our dreams are coming true.'

He doesn't have the heart to question her. He just hugs her back, keeping her close to him as he tucks his chin atop her head.

'I'm so happy.'

He feels tears escape his tired eyes, tears of joy as they celebrate that night with a full on marathon of wild sex in the living room couch, then the floor of their bedroom, the bed and later in the shower as they laugh carefree basking in the bubbling from lathering eachother.

His lips are marking on that spot between her neck and jaw, his teeth leaving a mark as she moans as the water flows from the shower head onto their adjoined bodies. They're attached like glue and she's so happy, her face tattooed with a permanent smile, her cheeks blushing and her eyes gleaming. She's always wanted a family. They've talked about for so long but she always became sensitive about the prospect of adopting or getting a surrogate.

This is a compete miracle and he remembers to give a heads up to the guy above for making their dreams come true. He holds her as the water washes over their skin, her hands roaming around his chest and back as they rinse eachother. He loves her so much it hurts sometimes. He wants nothing but to make her happy for as long as she'll have him.

The water mixes with the salty tears leaking from his sore eyes and she looks up at him with the biggest grin on her pretty face, cupping his jaw wither tiny hands and telling him over and over how much she loves him.

They're tucked under the covers, her hands over his waist as he holds her close to him, stroking the flat panel of her back. He's so sore from fucking her all night long; he winces when she finds his rock hard member and starts to stroke it releasing a grunt from his lips.

'Rachel, I'm so tired, baby. We should sleep.'

She lifts her head up to look at him from her place on his heaving chest. 'Let's get married.'

He turns her over with a questioning look on his face. They've been engaged for over 6 months and there's never been any pressure to set a date. 'You sure?'

She nods against his chest.

'Let go to City Hall tomorrow and start forever.'

He strokes her face and kisses the hell out of her that night and they go for another round of hot sex.

She was his forever.


	7. Chapter 7

**Honeymoon Ch 7**

They've been picking out baby clothes. She's been cooing over little baby blue bodysuits and shoes. He watches her, smiling at her excitement. She hasn't been like this since junior college when she got the lead in a play called...was it Cars? Cats? Something.

Anyway, he's staring at her like she just landed on the moon. He can smell it, the serene family portrait they've been dreaming of ever since they got back on track and realised they couldn't live without eachother. He wants to give her a family, he wants to give her a full life and if he could he'd give her the whole world so she could be the queen of the kingdom while he vows to make her happy for the rest of his life. He leans her chin on her shoulder and wraps his arms around her tiny waist.

She sighs content and edges his giant manly hands to her flat belly, he kisses her ear, whispering he love them both so much, rubbing circle around her stomach affectionately. They've been so happy, insanely happy the last few weeks. She's 2 months along and hasn't had a sprout of morning sickness or mood wings yet. She's eating like crazy and has given up meat when one day, he came home for lunch from the station with a beef burger and found her eyeing it like prey to a predator. She gave in. She was still adamant she was a vegan, just on temporary suspension to her usual dietary habits.

He loves it. This new bouncy bubbly Rachel. It's like the girl he feel in love with all those years ago has resurfaced and he gazes down at her as she adds what seems like the hundredth item into their shopping basket.

'Rachel, are you sure we can afford all this? I mean the little Hudson isn't even born yet, surely we can stall some of this stuff for later on.'

She gives him the most incredulous look like he's just said he still believes in Santa Claus. He lifts up his hands in surrender. 'Ok, ok. I get it. You like to plan things. Fine. I'll put it on my credit card.'

Oh no, he said something wrong. Now she's crossed her eyebrows in annoyance and fixed her hands on her hips. 'I'm perfectly capable of paying at least half the shopping bill, Finn! How chauvinistic of you, thinking you earn more than me. I'll have you know, I make quite a sum as a cabaret singer.'

He chuckles; she's so cute when she's offended. He steps closer and wraps his arms around her waist again, leaning down to kiss her forehead. 'My little feminist.'

His arms are about to fall off from the dozen bags he has to carry into the house while she continues to flip over a baby catalogue the store clerk handed to her at the maternity store. Happy Rachel is expensive, he realises as he looks over their receipt, putting the bags down on their hallway. They just spent $800 on precautionary baby clothes, formula, nappies and decorative stuff for the nursery. Raising a family was gonna really burn some holes in his pocket. He flicks his phone off to call Carl and give him the heads up on signing up for the promotion role. He's gonna need it.

She's so concentrated on reading that baby booklet and rubbing the flat panel of her stomach, she doesn't realise when Finn goes upstairs to undress, leaving her to carry the bags up. 'Finn!' She protests and he laughs it off.

'Hey I carried them in, you carry them up missy!'

She's about to stomp her foot when she feels excruciating pain from her abdomen, screaming in pain. She bends her knees and holds onto her stomach, her eyes filling with tears from the aching in her belly. Finn storms downstairs in haste, only half dressed and topless in his wife beater as he comes to her, his face painted with a worried expression.

'Rach? Baby, you ok? She shakes her head but claims it will pass.

'Maybe we should go see the doctor.'

'No, I've just not eaten all day. It's just stomach pain.'

'Ok I'll get you a banana from the kitchen.' He rubs her back and motions her to sit on the porch chair. 'Baby, you need to rest. Why didn't you tell me you hadn't eaten before we left? I would've have stopped for lunch.'

'I-I was so excited over the baby stuff, I forgot.' When Rachel gets into to something, it's hard to prey her out of it, it's like she forgets about anything else, including taking care of herself.

Finn's tall figure reappears into the hall as he hands her the fruit. 'Here.' He strokes her face and wipes away her tears.

'Maybe you should stop working; you know you're wearing yourself thin with redecorating the nursery and planning for the baby. It would do you good to relax and take a step back, Rach.'

She shakes her head stubbornly. 'No. I'm on the verge of getting noticed at the bar and we need the money. Plus I don't need to take leave until 3 months anyway. I'm fine.' She paints a smile on her face but that doesn't stop him worrying about her.

'You don't need to worry about the money.' He sits down next to her and wraps his arms around her shoulders, drawing her closer and kissing her hair tenderly.

'Carl's thinking of promoting me for the head division at the station so I'll be earning like $60, 0000 p/a so you can afford to take a break.'

She still shakes her head. 'I don't want to. I'd be bored out of my mind staying at home as a housewife and singing is like therapy for me, you know that.'

He stokes her arm and sighs, dropping the subject of her giving up work. Rachel's always been a workaholic since he's known her, he sometimes worries she would push herself too hard and crack.

'How your stomach?' He says glancing down at the barely her belly.

'Better now', she smiles, leaning in closer and closing the gap between their faces in a kiss.

He gets up and she eyes him suspiciously. 'You're not allowed to get up.'

'What?'

Then she squeals as his arms circle under her thighs and curl around her shoulders as he lifts her up, making his way upstairs into their bedroom.

'Finn! Put me down right this instant!'

'No way. You're my wife and I'm sweeping you off your feet.'

The walls echo with her contagious laughter as he drop her on the bed and hovers over her, his body engulfing hers as he traps her in a human cage on their king sized bed, peppering her skin with kisses down her neck and belly, cupping her breasts as she caresses his taut ass.

This is their honeymoon period, he realises. Things have been so good it's almost too good to be true. They never fight over stupid stuff like leaving the toilet seat up and watching the dishes. He cooks dinner for her that night, feedings her with his own hands, demanding she let him pamper her.

Their forehead bump and he cups her face, stealing a sweet kiss. 'I love you so much, Mrs Hudson'

She giggles at her newly changed name. 'I love you too, Mr Hudson.'

They hold hands under the table and he strokes her knuckles with his thumb, brining her tiny hand up to kiss it gently.

'The future's ours.'

She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes, her brown orbs warm and gentle as she gazes at him.

'We're a family now.' A tiny tear leaves runs down her cheeks as he kisses it away.

'All our dreams are coming true.' He gulps taking her in, she's so radiant and beautiful, with the glow in her face and the light of the room accenting her features perfectly.

He spoons her that night, his arms around her waist, his chin tucked into her shoulder as she breathes softly, sleeping soundly. It's been such an amazing day, and they spent it together planning a future they've been dreaming of forever. A future that was finally realising itself as something more than a fantasy and he smells her scent, her silky smooth hair flowing down her tanned back, coated with vanilla and berries.

He just loves every inch of her, every part of her and he won't ever let her go and be alone again. Whatever happens. They'll face it together, he contends, closing his eyes to sleep the day away.


	8. Chapter 8

**Fate Ch 8**

_**AN: All the medical stuff is made up, it's all Japanese to me. I haven't a clue what the words I wrote mean but I just picked up some lingo from excessively watching med dramas like ER and Grey's. Anyhow, hope it comes across as convincing. This part is really heartbreaking. You'll find what's wrong with Rachel's baby but it's hopeful in the end, enjoy! This may be the end but let me know if you want an epilogue.**_

It's been happening for weeks now, every so often she would get these nasty stomach cramps in the middle of the night, her hands rubbing her belly as she screams in anguish. It kills him that she won't let him call the doctor. It's like she's scared to go to the hospital again. He'd been talking to their OB to get some feedback but one night it gets really bad and she starts bleeding. He holds his against his chest and kisses her hair to calm her down.

'I'm calling the doctor, Rach. Something's wrong.'

Her eyes are brimming with tears and she looks so fragile and scared right now, he just wants to hold her and tell it's all going to be ok. Except he knows it isn't. He knows something's wrong with her or the baby. Oh God, he can't lose her. She wants this baby so badly and he doesn't know how she'd live with being a mother.

The ambulance comes to pick them up and he carries her delicate form to the stretcher and holds her hands as she screams in pain, closing her eyes and crying like the world they built has broken.

He rubs her knuckles with his thumb and raises her hand to his lips.

'Shh, it's ok. Rach, we're gonna be fine. Just try to relax, baby.'

It takes them an hour to get to the hospital and by then the nurses have her sedated to take scans of her abdomen and see whether anything's wrong with the baby. He's waiting as she doses of from her drug induced sleep, completely overwrought, he's hunched over and barely awake, the worry easting him alive. The doctor comes in, looking all ominous and he knows it's not good news. He swallows.

'Mr Hudson.'

'She's asleep. Did you find out what's wrong with the baby? Is something wrong with Rachel?'

'I'm sorry to tell you this, sir but there is no baby. Your wife's body has been mimicking the symptoms of a pregnancy because she wants a baby so badly. It's a hysterical pregnancy.'

He blinks. This doesn't make any sense. They took like a dozen pregnancy tests.

'But, the tests were positive.'

'That can happen in a hysterical pregnancy.'

A tear rolls down his cheeks and his hands squeezes hers as she stirs in her bed. This is the worse his life. This is going to kill her. He can't bear to see her in this much pain again.

'The stomach pains?'

'Your wife has an acid reflux in her stomach. It's probably from years of being a vegan and lacking in sufficient calcium, zinc and protein minerals. I'll prescribe her some pain killers and vitamins to help with the transition in her diet. Other than that, she's fine.'

He rubs his face with his palm as the man in the white coat loom over the door frame.

'I'm sorry to be bearer of bad news, sir. But there are alternative options. I've read her history and I understand she had a miscarriage and an emergency hysterectomy couple of years ago. She's still young; she can still adopt, have a surrogative, and even try IVF.'

He wipes his tears and composes himself. 'Thanks but she won't talk about it. She really wanted to carry a baby.'

'Well when you're both ready, feel free to give me a call and we can discuss fertility options.' The doctor smiles sympathetically. 'There's still hope, don't give up.'

He wants to scream right now. He wants all of this to go away so desperately, he wants to close his eyes and wake up to find it's just a cruel dream, a horrible nightmare but there's no waking up cos it's real and they have to face it.

He glances over to her sleeping form, she's so fragile and delicate; she would break like glass if she heard the news. He just had to protect her.

He falls asleep on the chair next to her bed, his hand still caressing hers. She wakes to shake up awake, his eyes fluttering open to see her face.

'Rach, you're up. How you feeling?'

'I'm fine, much better.' Her eyes are still sleep but she's smiling and his heart aches for her blissful ignorance.

He sighs heavily and she looks at him curiously. 'Finn?'

'Baby, you have to stay calm okay. This is the end of the world. We're still gonna be family, I promise I'm gonna give you that.'

Her eyes are misty and he knows she feels the daunting truth engulfing her. 'What is it?'

'You weren't pregnant.'

She shakes her head in disbelief. 'No. I was, I took a million tests, they were positive. I wasn't dreaming it. It was real.'

'I'm sorry baby, the doc says it was hysterical and your cramps are cos of your vegan diet and vitamin deficiencies.'

She lets go of his hand and he wants so badly to hold her and make all the pain she feels disappear but he can't. A painful silence takes over them as they both process this cruel twist of fate.

'So we're never going to be a family?'

Her eyes are so innocent and yearning right now, he wants to just take her away from this world where she never gets her wishes. He wants to make it all okay again.

He swallows and wipes his own tears. 'No baby, that's not true. We can still be a family. We can adopt or get a surrogate.'

Her lips quiver as she begins to sobs and he moves towards her, holding his face as she wets his t-shirt with her salty tears.

'This is so unfair.'

He stokes her hair and holds her tighter, tucking his chin on top of her as she wraps her arms around his waist, burying her head in his chest. 'I know, Rach. But it's not over. We're not giving up.'

They return to their apartment, signing the papers and getting discharged from that unnerving hospital. The cab ride home in filled with a deafening silence as she looks out of the window, completely lost.

She immediately makes way to their bedroom, tears the sheets covered with her blood and replacing them with her new set of extra sheets, ironing out the creases as she makes it. He watches over her, in a trance. She's the strongest person he knows and to see her break is the most heartbreaking thing he can witness. She's blocking it out. This is what she does when she doesn't want to deal with the bad news, she busies herself with tasks.

They fall asleep in each other's arms, sobbing in despair.

He wakes up in the morning, finding the spot where her warm body lay empty and he panics. She can't leave. God please don't let her leave. He rushes downstairs and makes his way to the kitchen. No sign of her in sight. No, no, no. She's curled up in the study with her legs crossed on the floor and a folder in her hands, flicking through some papers with deep concentration. He makes him way to her and sits down beside her, holding her and kissing her good morning.

'Rach...what are you doing?'

She's surprisingly perky and he eyes her scribbling over notes.

'I'm making a file for our adoption plan. I made a folder this morning. See, these are all the agencies in the area and we're looking at a year minimum waiting list. I was thinking we could adopt.'

He smiles over at her, she's so brave and he wishes he could be that brave.

'Okay, let's adopt.'

She squeals enthusiastically and hugs him as he kisses her temple. 'I love you, you know that?'

'I know. Love you more.'

'Not possible.'

He gets up from the spot while she continues to flick over her folder.

'I'm going to make us some breakfast. How are pancakes?'

She lifts her head from her folder and smiles at him sweetly. 'Great.'

He's about to leave the room when she stops him.

'Finn?'

'Yeah, babe?

'Thank you.'

Her face is glowing from the morning dew but it still has a hint of vulnerability etched over it. Only he would notice it beneath her facade of resilience.

'For what?'

'For not leaving.'

'I'm not leaving you, ever. I love you too much to let you go.' His voice breaks at he utters the word and a tear falls from his eyes as he turns to leave the room, leaving her alone to organise their future.

They survived this. She didn't kick him out consumed by grief. He didn't give up on her. They made it through this dark cloud and came out with a silver lining.


End file.
